Thoughtful Thursday – The Lost One

candle-1239891_640This week, Erik Karlsson of the Ottawa Senators and his wife Melinda are going through the pain of miscarriage.

Miscarriage isn’t something people often speak of. It’s unpleasant..

Its most common recommended course of action is to try again as if you lost Roll Up the Rim.

This pain is something I know first hand.

In 2011, it happened to me. I wasn’t as far along as some, but we were nearly out of the danger period where miscarriage has a higher likelihood. We were almost ready to tell everyone the good news.

For me, the physical pain was not unlike menstrual cramping.

It was the emotional pain that I couldn’t deal with. I think we stopped by a Pizza Hut on the way home from the hospital for food? I only remember the bathroom stall.

It’s been nearly six and a half years and I am only finding the words now to talk about it.

Sometimes in pregnancy, a mom won’t know she’s pregnant. Sometimes they know right away. Sometimes it’s very gradual. For me, it was gradual. Maybe it was all the extra vitamins, or maybe it was the hormones, but I felt the best I’ve ever felt.

Because a pregnancy is very much like the connection a parasite and its host has, other feelings can happen.

Imagine, the baby growing within is like a plant whose roots are spreading out in the dirt. Only, we don’t have dirt within us. We have organs and such. When I miscarried, it was as if the plant was ripped out of me and my insides were torn to shreds. I didn’t know even how I was feeling. It was all so confusing. So I couldn’t talk about it.

Not even with my then husband.

Because I was so wrapped up in my own pain and confusion, I couldn’t even consider how he felt about it. He seemed to be trying to make me feel better without being able to understand what I was going through and I didn’t understand it, so I couldn’t help him understand it.

Ultimately, given that we are such different people, I think it’s a good thing that we didn’t have children together. I often feel guilty for feeling this way.

It was one of the most painful things I’ve experienced.

I wish I didn’t know what they are going through right now. I wish they didn’t know the pain of it either.

The only advice I can offer is to be kind and loving to each other. You both feel it differently, but you’re both going through it.

Also it’s important to know that it’s no one’s fault. Most times, it happens because there is something seriously wrong with the baby that even our modern neonatal specialists wouldn’t be able to fix.

This is one of the reasons I haven’t been in a rush to get serious with anyone despite wanting to be with someone and wanting to have a family.

But I think even something as awful as this is easier to endure with the right person.

R~

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