Whether it’s your first time having sex ever or your first time with a new person, it’s often not the best experience.
People get performance anxiety. We see that a lot in things like presentations at school or in martial arts gradings. I’ve seen people lose their place while presenting and become unable to find it again. I’ve seen people make a mistake during a grading and become so flustered they start over and skip a kata entirely to try to fix the time issue caused by starting over and have a complete meltdown.
This totally happens with sex too.
Maybe you go too early like Jim in American Pie. Maybe you just can’t figure out how the hell to get the bra off*.
I feel like people build sex out to be this massive thing like a quest for The Holy Grail when it’s really the most natural thing.
What I’ve found is that the first time is so filled with worrying about messing up that at least one of you doesn’t have fun. It takes time to get to know each other outside of the bedroom and inside it too.
It usually gets better each time you have it. This is because everyone likes different things and their bodies are different. An intact man’s foreskin may not retract normally, for example, and might need extra special care. A woman might need more lube** than average. Everyone has different erogenous zones and half the fun of sex is figuring out what excites the other person. Sometimes you both cum and other times you might not. Especially if one of you is distracted by whatever is going on in your life.
And it’s not like how it is in porn.
All kinds of things happen with sex that can be totally weird. Vaginas make hilarious noises sometimes because of suction and wetness. People fart accidentally at awkward times. It’s often sweaty.
If you pay enough attention to your partner to notice if they’re having fun, rather than being so self-absorbed that their head could be banging on the wall without you noticing, you’ll probably both have fun. Just don’t ask your partner every two seconds if they’re enjoying themselves. That’s annoying.
Remember to be safe. There is a ton of information out there on using condoms properly.
Sex is supposed to be fun. Sometimes you can’t get in the right head space or you just don’t click sexually with someone. Maybe they like it fast and rough while you like it slow and tender. Maybe they want it multiple times a day and you like it once weekly. This is normal too and it may mean you’re just not right for each other if you can’t find a compromise. That sucks, but it’s better to figure that out before you’re married to each other.
I believe it’s important to be able to talk a bit about sex with a person before jumping into it with them. If the idea of telling someone how you like to be stroked is terrifying, then maybe you’re not ready for sex at all. If it’s because you don’t know, go touch yourself 😉
And that’s how life’s river flows today.
*While it’s impressive to be able to do the one hand thing, most will settle for you being able to get a bra off without it taking forever. Push both sides of the clasp in toward each other if it’s a regular bra. If it does up in the front, maybe just ask your partner for a little guidance 😉
**Lube. Lots of lube. Maybe you think you’re some Casanova who all vaginas get massively wet for, but most of us like lube.