Frisky Friday – Fantasies


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Ever thought about sex at work with a coworker? Just clear that desk off and do it right there?

Powerful people don’t just fantasize about it. They act on those urges and often end up in some kind of trouble from it like Bill Clinton. Or they lose their job.

Some fantasies are meant to be only fantasies.

Like the rape one. Yes, many women fantasize about very aggressive and rough sex. It’s actually a common thing females fantasize about. That in no way means they want to be raped. But they might want to role-play or not be asked every 5 seconds if they still want to have sex. They might want their man to drag them to the bedroom and fluidly move them into different sex positions and just generally rock their world. But pay enough attention to your partner to tell if they are in pain or if they are asking to stop.

The problem is the world is trying to figure out where the line is between consensual sex and rape. If one person never says no then some places say consent is implied. This mostly works until you end up with a situation where someone is prevented from saying no or extreme intoxication. Should we breathalyze our dates to be sure they aren’t too drunk? Some say any alcohol means no, but it’s really common for people to wine and dine then have sex after, so that might be extreme.

The Ottawa police is forming a civilian committee of sexual assault experts and others to look more closely at the unfounded cases to see where they can do better. Hopefully, things improve. It’s a hard thing though. Sex is so individualized, that what is exciting to one is horrifying to another.

Some people are extra sensitive in that they deem any wayward glance by a male or asking a coworker on a date as sexual harassment instead of being flattered that someone finds them attractive and would like to get to know them better. Flattery is a hard thing today because of a certain group of males who really do harass women and can’t take no for an answer. And let’s face it, some people’s game amounts to, “So, you wanna have some sex?”

Some really are going through assault. One man I dated forced me to let him come over when I was busy then tried to force me into sex after telling him clearly, multiple times, “No, I don’t want to have sex with you tonight.” He responded by calling me a tease and got verbally abusive with me. I dumped his ass promptly.

And there’s a small percentage of women who are terrible people that lie about assault to sponge money from men. These women hurt all of us. I thought about not talking about them, but I’m not a fan of leaving out part of the picture. If there are women out there consenting the night of then claiming rape the day after, that needs to stop.

It’s important to note that while there are bad apples out there, there are a lot of good ones too. Your soul mate could be in the cubicle next to you. Maybe they aren’t exactly how you pictured them, but if you’re ready to report them to HR for noticing you have a nice figure, you’ll miss out and keep wondering where all the good ones are.

Some might keep asking because that’s how their dad convinced their mom to go out. I don’t know what to say about that. It worked for a long time and still works for some men. I suppose, clearly telling someone that you have no interest and want them to stop pursuing you should be enough, but people are so worried about hurt feelings they often don’t say exactly what they mean.

Anyway, I got into a rant there as sometimes happens.

So what if you fantasize about something that could put you into a legal grey area? Well, you don’t have to act it out.

Or you could find a partner who is willing to play pretend with you. Maybe you set up a desk at home with stacks of papers and things you can’t break. You talk about limits and safe words in case you want to get kinky with it. Then you both have a good time clearing the desk and exploring its other uses.

You could do that with the rape one too, but it’s more risky and might end up actually feeling like rape. It may be best to stick to reading romance novels with those types of scenes in them. There are some who think those shouldn’t exist, but those books allow people to explore situations without risk of physical harm. And romance novels are about sexual fantasies more than anything.

The commonality of sex fantasies seems to change depending on where you are located. If you look at the results of a study in Quebec, you can see how much the sexes have in common when it comes to what they are looking for in the bedroom. Stats from around the world are a little different. If we look at the UK a couple years back, not much has changed. Here is some more information from sex therapist Susan Block.

Sex is really complicated and fantasies can be great. I think Susan says it best, “It’s risky business, but nothing great in life comes without taking a chance.  If you can share your fantasies with your lover, you can get to know each other deeply, weaving powerful strands of feeling into the fabric of your relationship, blending fantasies with memories and ever-expanding possibilities.”

The bottom line? Sex should be fun. If one of the people involved isn’t having fun, something needs to change or it needs to stop altogether.

Guid cheerio the nou,
R~

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