Everyone sucks some of the time. Sometimes you might be tired or hangry and mess up. Making mistakes is part of being human, but if you do these things with regularity, you should consider working on yourself. Think about whether your goal really is to be an asshole.
1. Proclaim that someone you don’t know can’t possibly need to be seated on an airplane before you because they aren’t even limping.
2. Turn every article you see online into a discussion about some political thing that isn’t part of the article. Since you love politics, everyone else should want to talk about it in every conversation, right?
3. Run around hating whatever group of people it’s popular to hate in your country. Don’t think about how your group might be the next target. Jews, white males, the Chinese, etc. Whatever gives you the best scapegoat.
4. Park across 4 spaces in a city that has a parking shortage. Your vehicle and convenience are more important than those other 3 people that could’ve used those other spaces.
5. Mention that the brown guy at work only has a job because of quotas. He couldn’t possibly have any skills, right? Bonus if he’s close enough to hear you.
6. If you don’t like something, make anyone who does like it feel like garbage regularly about it because you can’t understand how people could like things that you don’t since the world obviously revolves around you.
7. Condemn others for doing things you have done. It’s different in your case because you’re special, right?
8. Whenever you can’t deal with a discussion, begin name-calling instead of trying to actually discuss the issue. It’s totally cool to treat “bad people”, a.k.a. anyone who disagrees with you, like crap and degrade them, right?
9. Call any source presented to you “biased” because it’s not from a source you would use, so there’s gotta be something wrong with it somewhere even if the experiment design is flawless. The fact that you are biased when you do that won’t matter. Facts don’t matter anyway, it’s who yells the loudest that does. The fact that you are guilty of confirmation bias doesn’t matter either because you believe you’re the one that’s right.
10. Whine constantly about how your life is, but take no solid steps to do anything to change it. Seriously, no one minds reading a slew of posts every day about how your life sucks.
11. Punch anyone who disagrees with you about anything. Beat them down in the street, break into their home, and set fire to their children’s beds because they must be evil if they think or believe something different as your view is the only right one for 7.5 billion humans. Obviously.
12. Be envious of peers who succeed instead of cheering them on. They’re totally jealous every time something goes great for you. You can tell by the way they insincerely type “congrats” on your posts.
13. Care far too much about what consenting adults do in bed together. There totally aren’t better things to do with your time, like have sex with your partner instead.
14. Steal money and ideas from others because actually working is too hard.
15. Abuse animals and other humans.
16. Act like you’re better than everyone else because of your religion, race, sex, possessions, diet, etc.
17. Talk about how important a social issue is but never put time into raising funds to fix the problem. Instead, shame others who care about other social issues.
Guid cheerio the nou,