I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it… sort of.


Simple Plan’s song “Perfect” is one that continues to speak to me on multiple levels.

I try to improve myself daily.

I meet people who judge me for various reasons. Mostly, I believe they are waging their own war inside and I just met them at the wrong time.

People who have severely wronged me, I forgive. Not immediately, but over time. Time doesn’t lessen what they did, but allows me to experience things that lets me view situations in new light and bring about the understanding that their issues were probably more with themselves though my own reactions didn’t help whatever the situation was either. I once dated a boy who cheated on me, tried to turn everyone I knew against me, then decided he would try to kill himself if I wouldn’t go back to him. I called the police. I was 15 and at the time I swore he did all of that to punish me for breaking up with him after I met his other girlfriend. These days I realize he had his own crazy stuff going on inside that was too much for him to handle at that age and I was just a casualty. He was my first love. I was shocked years later when I ran into him and he had no clue who I was as I it took me so long to forget the pain of it all. These days I’m sure that period of his life was a rather large mess.

Ultimately, I decided a long time ago that I don’t want to live with hate in my heart for anyone. That’s poison within that I can prevent. With all of the other challenges in my life, I could choose to be bitter and hateful, but I’m not and I won’t let myself be.

I’m not perfect though. It takes me a lot of patience to deal with moody people and I often get frustrated with them and cut them out of my life. I’m working on getting better at this. I’ve been doing better since cutting certain things out of my diet. The thing with moody people is that at times I’ve found it extremely hard to lift them out of their funk rather than for them to bring me down into it. I’m drawn to positivity and optimism. Being around negativity makes me feel sick and drained. I’m generally logical though, so if someone has a truly legitimate reason to stay in a funk, I can’t argue with it.

The truth is that I don’t want to be perfect either. Perfection isn’t a human trait.

I generally love people, though I can’t be around them for too long before I need a break. I’m an introvert. I’m not usually shy unless I’m overcome with emotions or having a reaction to something I ate.

I don’t love all people. Some have too many things about them that I just can’t deal with. I’m not rude to them beyond choosing not to speak to them or not to spend time with them. I’m not friendly either though. I let them be them and keep them at a distance. I understand they have different ways of living to me and that’s totally acceptable. Some times I feel bad for even choosing not to speak to someone that I dislike. I feel like I should be able to find a positive thing about any other human, right? Lately I decided that I don’t need to take that on. Not my circus, you know. I love helping others, but sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them fend for themselves or find someone better suited to helping them than I am. I don’t need to be anything to anyone other than myself. That may sound self-centered and I’m okay with that.

Throughout my time on this planet, I’ve come across people who make me feel like nothing I do could be good enough to them. Perhaps, at times, it has been a misconception on my part. At any rate, I accept others for who they are. If they tell me they want to accomplish something, I’ll offer my help no matter what is on my own plate, but I won’t try to change them. It’s just who I am. This is especially true in romantic relationships because I’m an emotionally driven being. Sometimes I get taken advantage of, but I don’t stop being me. A person who takes advantage of my good nature is cut from my life and I pity them, then I move on to helping the next person who has a clean slate. I don’t make others pay for the mistakes of those that came before them, no matter what things they may have in common with someone else. If I’m wary about something, I say so and give enough detail to address the issue. Vagueness doesn’t solve anything. I’ve often found that as scary as it is to bring something up, it often ends up being something silly rather than a big deal. Humans are great at inventing problems where none exist after all.

I take what feedback others provide me to heart. I’m a rather emotional person behind my Cancerian shell, which can be sharp and thick. Some feedback hurts more than others and lingers like a bad hangover. I don’t think I’m unique in that, but perhaps I am so affected because I’m an intrinsically motivated individual who loves to problem solve. Perhaps I’m just “sensitive”. Sometimes the feedback I get tells me the person never got to know me and I know that’s probably my fault. A friend told me recently that he thinks where I go wrong with dating is that I’m overly cautious. He’s totally right as that friend often is. When I really start developing feelings for someone, I get scared they’ll see how weird and flawed I am and I get shy and start worrying about everything that comes out of my mouth. I’m working on this too. I also can’t say I’m never defensive when feedback is provided about me as a person. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of pain to get to where I am.

As a writer, words mean a lot to me. They aren’t everything though. Actions need to go with the words or the words lose their meaning and become a let down. I realize others may not put as much stock in words as I do. I know some people feel like words mean nothing at all. I find it hard to get to know someone who feels that way as I start wondering what to talk about if all the words are meaningless. Conversation is important when getting to know another human being. If someone makes me feel like nothing I say has any meaning or truth, what could I possibly have to talk to them about?

With writing, I want people to tear my stuff apart, so I can make my stories their best. Like many writers, I want my stories to be perfect, though I know there is no such thing. I’ll settle for them making sense and delighting the reader. If I try to make them perfect, they’ll never be published haha.

This has been a moment in my brain triggered by a song on my iPod.

Ciao,
R~

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